guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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