I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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