Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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