onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
They took my balls.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
