And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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