Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
