Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
