living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize