At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
