these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You smell like a Billy Joel song
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
