I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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