normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
