i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
