So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
