I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
