My cat gives me a boner
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
she peed on how many people?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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