I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize