She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
