i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
