I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
