You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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