he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
try to milk me bitch
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