I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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