Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
