I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
