So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
