There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
