Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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