I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
