I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
