They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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