I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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