It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My feet surprised me
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