you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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