You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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