It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
