youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
