My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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