i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
