mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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