Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
