it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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