Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
