The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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