I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
