you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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