I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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