You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
