he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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