Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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