Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
