He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
