You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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