the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize