I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
