I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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