This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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