This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
