Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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