I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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