Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
