They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
