I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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