I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
