God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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